Adoption

Adoption Heartbreak

For reasons I won’t specify, we recently decided to withdraw from the adoption opportunity that was presented to us in January. It was an extremely agonizing decision with numerous discussions with doctors, nurses, and people that have been in similar situations. Definitely one of the toughest decisions we’ve ever made. Even after we decided, we still couldn’t make it official by letting the adoption agencies involved know for a while. If we did, we wouldn’t be adopting the baby boy we had been dreaming about for months. We would stop picking out names, making future plans, and dreaming about little Q having a brother.

For the first few days, my husband and I were just numb. There honestly isn’t a better way to describe it. One night while brushing my teeth, it clicked. It felt like we lost a child. (Trying really hard not to cry right now but losing that battle.) Okay, I will leave it at that.

People have asked about the money we’ve invested on the adoption so far. I am certain there was a reason we had a calm about excepting the match in January, a reason for us being involved in this child’s life though we will never meet him. I believe we were supposed to help with the expenses until now, so the parents he’s supposed to grow up with can manage everything from here. It is possible they wouldn’t have been able to do it without our help up to this point. That may not be the case, but I have a peace with that.

I have a feeling July will be a challenging month since that’s when the baby is due, but we’ll endure. We have been through a great deal so far and will keep going. Little Q will probably get even more hugs, kisses, and loving which is fine with me! Our family has been blessed with a beautiful, extraordinary son, and I will continue to remember that with each breathe I take. Cherish those you love and embrace the time you have with them.

Adoption #2 Update

Infertility affects an overwhelming number of people. According to resolve.org, 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC) When dealing with infertility, it seems like you are the only one, but it also seems like the numbers should be considerably higher.

One option to assemble the family you’ve dreamt about is through adoption. Since my brothers and I were adopted, it wasn’t as difficult a decision as it was for my husband. Our recommendation is that both partners have to be on the same page before proceeding in whatever direction you choose and don’t pressure each other into a decision. My husband took a year to decide he was ready to discuss this option further. If one person is not ready, the whole process is going to be unnecessarily harder.

So many pieces go into an adoption. What agency to use for the adoption and/or the home study, a lot of paperwork, definitely the emotions involved with every difficult decision, and so much more. These are things we’ve learned with our first adoption and are discovering with this recent opportunity.

Not all adoption agencies are the same so pick the one that is right one for your family. Some promote the adoptive parents and others the prospective birth mom/parents with agencies in one particular state, nationally, and internationally. Agencies include an average wait time and in our experience the shorter wait times are typically met if you are open to everything, like the mom currently taking drugs or alcohol, etc. Adoptions are closed, semi-open, and open so make sure you and your partner are comfortable with all the decisions you choose.

My husband and I were pretty stressed over the home study and yes, there is a lot of paperwork. You will need to take a class which was actually very good even though we weren’t too hyped to go. We didn’t inform many people we were embarking on this process until after I asked our case worker if we were going to pass the home study. If we weren’t going to make the cut, we didn’t want a lot of people to know we weren’t “qualified” to be parents. Our social worker laughed.

There are many hard decisions, a lot of time, and loads of paperwork that goes into the process, but in the end it is definitely worth it. We started our journey in 2015, and we got Q in December 2017. During that time it seemed like forever and my husband and I getting older each day. Little Q just wasn’t ready yet and I believe we were all meant for each other. Hopefully, he’ll have a little brother or sister in a few months to play with, likely fight with, and grow older with. Our happy little family dreams.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but feel free to contact me with any questions you might have and I’ll help in any way I can.

Adoption 101

Infertility affects an overwhelming number of people. According to resolve.org, 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC) When dealing with infertility, it seems like you are the only one, but it also seems like the numbers should be considerably higher.

One option to assemble the family you’ve dreamt about is through adoption. Since my brothers and I were adopted, it wasn’t as difficult a decision as it was for my husband. Our recommendation is that both partners have to be on the same page before proceeding in whatever direction you choose and don’t pressure each other into a decision. My husband took a year to decide he was ready to discuss this option further. If one person is not ready, the whole process is going to be unnecessarily harder.

So many pieces go into an adoption. What agency to use for the adoption and/or the home study, a lot of paperwork, definitely the emotions involved with every difficult decision, and so much more. These are things we’ve learned with our first adoption and are discovering with this recent opportunity.

Not all adoption agencies are the same so pick the one that is right one for your family. Some promote the adoptive parents and others the prospective birth mom/parents with agencies in one particular state, nationally, and internationally. Agencies include an average wait time and in our experience the shorter wait times are typically met if you are open to everything, like the mom currently taking drugs or alcohol, etc. Adoptions are closed, semi-open, and open so make sure you and your partner are comfortable with all the decisions you choose.

My husband and I were pretty stressed over the home study and yes, there is a lot of paperwork. You will need to take a class which was actually very good even though we weren’t too hyped to go. We didn’t inform many people we were embarking on this process until after I asked our case worker if we were going to pass the home study. If we weren’t going to make the cut, we didn’t want a lot of people to know we weren’t “qualified” to be parents. Our social worker laughed.

There are many hard decisions, a lot of time, and loads of paperwork that goes into the process, but in the end it is definitely worth it. We started our journey in 2015, and we got Q in December 2017. During that time it seemed like forever and my husband and I getting older each day. Little Q just wasn’t ready yet and I believe we were all meant for each other. Hopefully, he’ll have a little brother or sister in a few months to play with, likely fight with, and grow older with. Our happy little family dreams.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but feel free to contact me with any questions you might have and I’ll help in any way I can.

National Adoption Month – Our Adoption Story

Children are amazing, truthful, funny, intelligent, and so full of energy. I love kids! I’d like to share our adoption journey in the hopes it may help others who are possibly pursuing that option. It takes a great deal of work, makes you think about different circumstances, and situations, but is absolutely worth every second of stress and worry. My little twist is that I was adopted as a baby, know my birth family now, and we adopted a baby boy so I have a few different perspectives along with all my parent’s.

I grew up the youngest of 3 with all of us adopted from different families. Adoptions sounded a little easier back then from what I understand, but getting 3 children was not common. My oldest brother was in foster care for 1 month (that specific state’s rule at the time), my other brother’s birth mother kept him for 2 weeks before she decided to find a better arrangements for him, and I was adopted right away. We always knew we had been adopted even though no one believed us because we all looked biological. Back then they tried to match birth parents to prospective adoptive parents so the child looked more like them and didn’t stand out. My parents were called into the school once because my brother’s teacher wanted to talk to them about him lying. Apparently, he wrote a paper about being adopted and the teacher didn’t realize we all had been. It wasn’t like we kept it a secret, but there wasn’t really a reason to go around announcing it either.

My first roommate was adopted and her adoptive mom passed away when she was young. She had dug up quite a bit of information already and we found her birth mother. She has been in contact with her parents ever since. When I helped her find information, I found some of my own. Long story short, I ended up going through the adoption agency that I had been adopted through and at 26 years old found my birth parents. My birth parents had gotten married 3 months after they had me, are still together, and I have 2 full younger sisters! I had a whole other family! What a wild whirlwind! A few weeks later I ended up moving out-of-state to a city where my biological grandmother was living. Bizarre?! My sister had said that our story wouldn’t even get on Oprah, even in those days.

My husband and I have been married for over 9 years now and since we are both a little older, we decided to try to have kids from the start. After the first year we decided that we needed some assistance. We were referred to a fertility specialist and during all the hormones, shots, and ultrasounds friends and family were having kids like popcorn. It was so easy for other people and some days that was incredibly difficult for me. Please don’t misunderstand; I was extremely excited and happy for all of them! I was just so frustrated because kids in high school could get pregnant by accident and here we were timing things with multiple ultrasounds, making sure eggs were the right size, taking more hormones, and the doctors could not find any reasons why we couldn’t have children. I figured God was punishing me because of past mistakes or maybe He just didn’t think I would be a good mother. There were a few times I had breakdowns and I felt terrible for my husband because he didn’t know what to do to comfort me. I told him afterwards there probably wasn’t anything he could have done because I already knew he was there for me; I just needed to cry it out. Nonetheless, we kept trying and so after 5 IUI’s with no beneficial outcome (not due to the doctor, he was amazing) we decided there was a reason we weren’t supposed to have kids and gave up on the idea, kind of.

About a year later, my husband’s grandfather passed away and that had gotten my husband thinking more about adoption. I had brought it up previously, but he wasn’t quite ready and I wasn’t going to push it. We started looking into numerous agencies and found one that actually returned calls and emails. There are so many agencies with various benefits. Small ones may take longer but may have better service and bigger ones may have too many adoptive parents for prospective mothers to pick from but have quicker match times. From what we found they are all expensive, but if you think of it as paying the agency’s employees for their services it helps. When I was adopted 40 years ago, my mom said I was $500. A friend told me that was how much she paid for her dog.  Times have changed and I don’t see things going back to the way they were.

The agency we picked was out-of-state, but we needed an agency in our state that could do home studies for out of state adoptions. We had been signed up with that agency for 2 years with multiple people interested but no matches. I had unexpectedly changed jobs; it was closer to home with better benefits and hours but in a completely different profession. A month later, we received a call from the home study agency asking if we were open to letting them show our profile to a prospective mother who had been looking for adoptive parents in our state. We decided that was acceptable then started figuring out money since the money we had paid to the out of state agency was of no use to this one. We had done a video for the other agency with plenty of bloopers at the end because we ended up having more footage of that than anything good. She had picked us, but then she wanted to meet us. Other than meeting my birth family for the first time that was one of the most stressful meetings I have ever had. We needed to be on our best behavior because she had until 4 working days after the baby was born to change her mind. Well, being on our best behavior didn’t really work well for us, but she picked us to raise her child anyway.

Little Q was born about 4 months after we were matched and he is amazing! We have been so blessed that our prayers had been answered. All of our family and friends love him and he is such a happy, loveable baby! It’s just a shame no one wants to hold him, make him laugh, or even play with him. (Insert sarcastic smile here) We don’t usually see him much when a lot of people are around which really isn’t bad. So I still don’t know His reason for not answering our prayers when we wanted it to happen, but I truly believe there is a reason we have Q. Maybe Q is going to be really naughty when he’s older and we needed to learn patience or we just weren’t ready. Whatever the reason, it didn’t happen in the timeframe or the way we had planned but we have a family now and we are ecstatic! Life is good.

Gotcha Day!

court

It was a gorgeous, sunny day up in the mountains with a slight breeze to keep you cool from the sun being closer. We arrived early in case there were traffic issues and it was an important appointment not to be late for. After we found a place to park, we fed Q chicken and rice with vegetables and topped him off with a bottle of formula. He then got his clothes swapped out for some nicer ones that we didn’t want to get messy. We were prepared.

We got through security and found the court room, then it was time to wait. Wait for our scheduled time, wait for the adoption agency representative, and wait for the attorney. Granted, we arrived a little early. Little Q rolled around the hall, squealed, and played with the grandparents while grandpa captured pictures on my phone so we could commemorate the event. Then, it was time.

Everyone assumed their seats, the judge came in, and court was in session. We raised our right hands to promise to tell the truth; each had to state our names and answer some questions with one being why we wished to adopt Q. The judge delivered a speech on how to rear a well-mannered child with values and respect, teach him to work hard, and basically saying he didn’t want to see him back in his court when he was older. He granted the adoption and it was finalized, little Q is ours for good!! I did well and didn’t cry, but it was touch and go when we were getting pictures taken with the judge. We no longer need to carry around paperwork saying we are allowed to have him with us or tell the agency when we are traveling out of state. He’s stuck with us now. It’s the law!!

Lunch at a little Mexican restaurant with a cruise around downtown and Q was ready for a nap. He was asleep before we made it out of town. That evening daddy and I relaxed and played with little Q until he went to bed. Not that we expected any issues, but we were relieved it was finalized. Our dreams came true, our prayers were answered, and we have our own little family.

I have heard that “gotcha day” is not politically correct in some circumstances. In our case where we brought little Q home from the hospital, we thought it was the best fit for us. We do no intend to offend anyone by the name.

Our Adoption Story

Children are amazing, truthful, funny, intelligent, and so full of energy. I love kids! I’d like to share our adoption journey in the hopes it may help others who are possibly pursuing that option. It takes a great deal of work, makes you think about different circumstances, and situations, but is absolutely worth every second of stress and worry. My little twist is that I was adopted as a baby, know my birth family now, and we adopted a baby boy so I have a few different perspectives along with all my parent’s.

I grew up the youngest of 3 with all of us adopted from different families. Adoptions sounded a little easier back then from what I understand, but getting 3 children was not common. My oldest brother was in foster care until he was 6 months (that specific state’s rule at the time), my other brother’s birth mother kept him for 2 weeks before she decided to find a better arrangements for him, and I was adopted right away. We always knew we had been adopted even though no one believed us because we all looked biological. Back then they tried to match birth parents to prospective adoptive parents so the child looked more like them and didn’t stand out. My parents were called into the school once because my brother’s teacher wanted to talk to them about him lying. Apparently, he wrote a paper about being adopted and the teacher didn’t realize we all had been. It wasn’t like we kept it a secret, but there wasn’t really a reason to go around announcing it either.

My first roommate was adopted and her adoptive mom passed away when she was young. She had dug up quite a bit of information already and we found her birth mother. She has been in contact with her parents ever since. When I helped her find information, I found some of my own. Long story short, I ended up going through the adoption agency that I had been adopted through and at 26 years old found my birth parents. My birth parents had gotten married 3 months after they had me, are still together, and I have 2 full younger sisters! I had a whole other family! What a wild whirlwind! A few weeks later I ended up moving out-of-state to a city where my biological grandmother was living. Bizarre?! My sister had said that our story wouldn’t even get on Oprah, even in those days.

My husband and I have been married for over 9 years now and since we are both a little older, we decided to try to have kids from the start. After the first year we decided that we needed some assistance. We were referred to a fertility specialist and during all the hormones, shots, and ultrasounds friends and family were having kids like popcorn. It was so easy for other people and some days that was incredibly difficult for me. Please don’t misunderstand; I was extremely excited and happy for all of them! I was just so frustrated because kids in high school could get pregnant by accident and here we were timing things with multiple ultrasounds, making sure eggs were the right size, taking more hormones, and the doctors could not find any reasons why we couldn’t have children. I figured God was punishing me because of past mistakes or maybe He just didn’t think I would be a good mother. There were a few times I had breakdowns and I felt terrible for my husband because he didn’t know what to do to comfort me. I told him afterwards there probably wasn’t anything he could have done because I already knew he was there for me; I just needed to cry it out. Nonetheless, we kept trying and so after 5 IUI’s with no beneficial outcome (not due to the doctor, he was amazing) we decided there was a reason we weren’t supposed to have kids and gave up on the idea, kind of.

About a year later, my husband’s grandfather passed away and that had gotten my husband thinking more about adoption. I had brought it up previously, but he wasn’t quite ready and I wasn’t going to push it. We started looking into numerous agencies and found one that actually returned calls and emails. There are so many agencies with various benefits. Small ones may take longer but may have better service and bigger ones may have too many adoptive parents for prospective mothers to pick from but have quicker match times. From what we found they are all expensive, but if you think of it as paying the agency’s employees for their services it helps. When I was adopted 40 years ago, my mom said I was $500. A friend told me that was how much she paid for her dog.  Times have changed and I don’t see things going back to the way they were.

The agency we picked was out-of-state, but we needed an agency in our state that could do home studies for out of state adoptions. We had been signed up with that agency for 2 years with multiple people interested but no matches. I had unexpectedly changed jobs; it was closer to home with better benefits and hours but in a completely different profession. A month later, we received a call from the home study agency asking if we were open to letting them show our profile to a prospective mother who had been looking for adoptive parents in our state. We decided that was acceptable then started figuring out money since the money we had paid to the out of state agency was of no use to this one. We had done a video for the other agency with plenty of bloopers at the end because we ended up having more footage of that than anything good. She had picked us, but then she wanted to meet us. Other than meeting my birth family for the first time that was one of the most stressful meetings I have ever had. We needed to be on our best behavior because she had until 4 working days after the baby was born to change her mind. Well, being on our best behavior didn’t really work well for us, but she picked us to raise her child anyway.

Little Q was born about 4 months after we were matched and he is amazing! We have been so blessed that our prayers had been answered. All of our family and friends love him and he is such a happy, loveable baby! It’s just a shame no one wants to hold him, make him laugh, or even play with him. (Insert sarcastic smile here) We don’t usually see him much when a lot of people are around which really isn’t bad. So I still don’t know His reason for not answering our prayers when we wanted it to happen, but I truly believe there is a reason we have Q. Maybe Q is going to be really naughty when he’s older and we needed to learn patience or we just weren’t ready. Whatever the reason, it didn’t happen in the timeframe or the way we had planned but we have a family now and we are ecstatic! Life is good.