For reasons I won’t specify, we recently decided to withdraw from the adoption opportunity that was presented to us in January. It was an extremely agonizing decision with numerous discussions with doctors, nurses, and people that have been in similar situations. Definitely one of the toughest decisions we’ve ever made. Even after we decided, we still couldn’t make it official by letting the adoption agencies involved know for a while. If we did, we wouldn’t be adopting the baby boy we had been dreaming about for months. We would stop picking out names, making future plans, and dreaming about little Q having a brother.

For the first few days, my husband and I were just numb. There honestly isn’t a better way to describe it. One night while brushing my teeth, it clicked. It felt like we lost a child. (Trying really hard not to cry right now but losing that battle.) Okay, I will leave it at that.

People have asked about the money we’ve invested on the adoption so far. I am certain there was a reason we had a calm about excepting the match in January, a reason for us being involved in this child’s life though we will never meet him. I believe we were supposed to help with the expenses until now, so the parents he’s supposed to grow up with can manage everything from here. It is possible they wouldn’t have been able to do it without our help up to this point. That may not be the case, but I have a peace with that.

I have a feeling July will be a challenging month since that’s when the baby is due, but we’ll endure. We have been through a great deal so far and will keep going. Little Q will probably get even more hugs, kisses, and loving which is fine with me! Our family has been blessed with a beautiful, extraordinary son, and I will continue to remember that with each breathe I take. Cherish those you love and embrace the time you have with them.

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